Day 19- Something you regret

I try very hard to live my life without regrets. I try very hard not to dwell on the past but to embrace where it has led me in my life. There's no point in wasting time or energy wishing that things could have been different, it's just negative energy that is not needed in your life.

No matter how hard I try, there is one regret I currently have. I haven't been completely open with this audience, mostly because it's something that Joe and I try very hard to keep to ourselves, but now it's just become too big of a burden to bear. Joe and I have been trying to get pregnant for 3.5 years now. We were responsible people who didn't want to have a baby before being married or even before we were finished with college. When I started noticing issues with my cycle the answer at the time was birth control. I deeply resent even getting started on this. If only doctors were a little more willing to explore what the actual problem was at the time we wouldn't have wasted as much time as we have (5 years on birth control, plus the last 3.5 years). Now we've eliminated our options with my ob/gyn and currently beginning to explore reproductive endocrinologists (this is a fertility specialist).

I was ready 4 year ago to start our family... and now unsuccessful attempt after another has been wearing on my soul. I am very happy with my life with Joe, but something is missing. I have been seeing many friends get pregnant and have beautiful babies. But not until more recently has it been getting harder and harder to see so many people pass us by. This struggle makes this hole in my heart bigger and bigger. Yes adoption is an option, but I want so badly to experience my biological right of carrying a child, our child. I want to be able to sustain life, nurture a little piece of Joe and myself that represents our love for each other. My heart yearns to give this to Joe.

I struggle to be positive, Friday was the lowest I've ever been about this. I curled up next to Joe and bawled for a good hour. I have blamed myself and resented my body for a long time... this is my biggest regret. I know negativity is bad for this process, if I hear that we just need to relax and let things happen I'll scream. There is something wrong with my body and I need answers. I have reached a point where I want to understand why this is something that Joe and I have to struggle so much with while so many others don't. Why is this fair? Are we not worthy of a child? Deep down inside I know we are meant to be parents. For as long as I can remember I've wanted to be a mom. It is not an option to not be.

So, I'll just have to put on my big girl shoes, shake this darkness from my mind and move forward. We have not reached the end of the road for this. We have continued to move forward every day since we started trying. We have eliminated several options, now it's time to figure out what our next step is. I will continue to do my research to find out where we go from here. I have to pull myself out of this abyss of sadness and be positive because I know that eventually this will all be a distant memory.

I'm sorry to ask, but if I ask for one thing from you I ask for prayers, for a belief, for positivity from you. Our efforts at this have not been enough. I'm reaching out to this audience for some extra positivity. Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers. I have no where else to turn other than inside and my insides are betraying me.

Thank-you for allowing me to get this off my chest.

xoxo