So I'm back... I haven't known exactly what to say lately. I started this blog to keep my family in the know with what was going on with us. Then for a while, because there was nothing exciting to report, I just took it in a different direction... but I'm currently sitting in bed remembering why I wanted to use this... this is meant for me to throw my thoughts into the universe to get them out of my head... and yes, for someone to hear them. A kind of therapy with comments if you will!
Joe and I have been on a wild ride for 4 long years that I have been begging to get off of for the past 3 years and 11 months! We have been struggling to conceive. Actually, we've been struggling to ovulate to be more precise. Before you jump all over me for using "we" it really has been a "we" for a long time. While it's my body that I've been urging to do what I want it, Joe has been by my side relentlessly encouraging the same thing. Many times I want to give up, then other times I want to push on, and no matter what my husband is just there pushing me or picking me up no matter what. I'm truly blessed to have such a wonderful husband.
Today, well, the past month to be perfectly honest, has been rough. In December we tried insemination for the first time... not the ideal way to get pregnant, but whatever will put a baby in my belly and not cost me another mortgage in the process, let's go!! We paired it with acupuncture, which for many reasons I love this! We also started seeing a specialist in Fort Collins. December was busy! The insemination didn't take, but we had a plan to take more steps with the new specialist. So, after a couple of pregnancy tests, and completely convincing myself that they were wrong, I finally grasped that I wasn't pregnant and it was time for the new doctor to take the reins. So we scheduled a procedure called an HSG and a laprascopy of my lower abdomen. The first one, while I was freaked out of my mind for, ended up not being all that bad. Other than the humiliation of having my naked ass higher than my ears on a table the procedure was a no brainer. Yes, some discomfort, but all in all, I wouldn't be so stressed out if needed again. Ten days later it was time for my laprascopy. If the HSG freaked me out you must know that the thought going under general anesthesia was even worse.
I continued to tell myself that I wasn't scared about the procedure itself because I would be asleep and have no clue what was going on, I just needed to focus on getting myself through getting the IV and getting rolled into the operating room. Easier said than done... the nurse had a hell of a time finding a good vein to start my IV in and finally switched to a smaller needle, but got it started on the first try. Then just the waiting... I got myself all worked up and nervous while my sweet sweet husband just sat there and held my hand. Then when it came to the goodbyes I lost it all over again. I was scared of the unknown, I was scared of not getting to wake up and live my life with this wonderful man, I was scared of what they would find and what they'd have to do because of what they found, I was scared of the bills that would be waiting for me once this was all over... I was just scared! The thing that sucks the most about all of this, I couldn't have my husband next to me to comfort me when I needed it most. Thankfully the nurses in the operating room were wonderful, got me talking about something mundane, Disney songs actually, and "snuggled" right up close to me until I was completely out. It seems odd to say, but the simple act of two nurses being close to me and holding my hands was so comforting. The one bad thing was the anesthesiologist had me count backwards by 7s from 100... I'm not sure I can do that when I don't have drugs pumping through me... at least ask me to name the presidents or something I had some chance of getting past the first two!!! But before I knew it, I heard the doctor telling me everything went great and I asked him if he left all my parts where they were. He did say yes, and I went back to la la land until the beeping from my heart monitor rudely woke me up! Then an alarm went off because supposedly I wasn't breathing... well, I actually was the monitor just wasn't recognizing that I was using my diaphragmatic breathing for relaxation. So finally a nurse got me up and out of bed so that I could pee and get dressed. Oh, and lets not forget about admiring my smurf butt!! Can't believe I just threw that out into the universe!!! But the sooner I got up and dressed the sooner I got my husband back. That's one of the other things I didn't like... Joe couldn't be there to hold my hand while I was coming out of the anesthesia. But I survived... so it's behind me.
So... results: HSG normal- only thing that looked weird was that my tubes seemed high, but the doctor chocked that up to the position I had to be in on the table. Laprascopy: nothing out of the ordinary. They scoped my abdomen to look at the outside of my uterus and my tubes and my ovaries. They scoped the inside of my uterus and my tubes as well as injected dye (hence the smurf butt) to make sure that there was no blockage. The only two things to note, the ligament that holds my tubes and ovaries in place is a little shorter holding them higher in relation to my uterus and my ovaries are large an shinny. What all this means, well basically that they assumed right, poly-cystic ovarian syndrome or PCOS, the kind without the cysts.
Ok, so you're caught up on the procedures... recovery was worse than I thought it would be. Apparently someone slicing your abdomen in three places means you won't be at work for the next two days... you probably won't be very active for 3 weeks. You'll probably wish that you hadn't moved that way when it feels like your stomach is ripping open... but in the long run, I'm reminding myself that we needed this peace of mind. So, then I had to wait... which you'd think I'd become extremely patient throughout all of this... well, you're kinda wrong... I didn't start my cycle on my own (huh, funny thing since that's been the case for 4 years) so I had to go on 10 days of Provera (a progesterone supplement to trigger my cycle). That med is a bitch... if you don't mind my saying! Things hurt that you forget are there, my moods were all over the place, and somehow I'm expected to continue on as if nothing was wrong. Then finally I started, and could move on to my favorite medication (yes, I can love something more than the Provera) CLOMID!!!! *Cue the JAWS soundtrack* This means hot flashes!!!! Yippeee!!!! And this time I'm at an even higher dose than I've been on in the past so yes, this means the hot flashes get worse... I didn't think they could... HA! We're not in immediate need of inseminations, we should be able to conceive the old fashioned way so we're going to give it a go on our own for a couple of cycles.
So, here we are... I'm currently getting over a cold (the 6th one this season... someone has to keep Puffs in business), still trying to do things the old fashioned way... snot and all... my husband appreciates this comment I'm sure. But today, today is just my day to feel sorry for myself. I don't understand why something that is so easy for some is something so hard for us. Today is not my positive thinking day... this won't happen for us... today is my pity party day... what is so wrong with me that I can't do my biological duty of producing offspring?
But tomorrow... tomorrow is a new day... tomorrow is my positive day... tomorrow is my take charge day. Tomorrow I can handle this all. Tomorrow I can be a fertile woman... tomorrow I can be strong! I have always prided myself on my ability to pick myself up (with a little bit of help) and attempt to be positive and be a positive influence on others. And while I tried to be a positive influence on someone near and dear to my heart, I failed at being positive to myself. But tomorrow I can be. Tomorrow I'll pick myself up, shake the cobwebs out of my uterus and tomorrow I will move forward. Tomorrow I'll stress less, I'll dig deep, find that off switch and turn off the stressing. Tomorrow I'll accept myself and I'll accept that not everything can happen the way I want it to, but that doesn't mean that I can stop trying to make it happen. Tomorrow I'll be happy! Tomorrow I'll continue to move forward on this beautiful path. Tomorrow I'll appreciate the beauty that this journey has brought me!! Tomorrow I'll be in my happy place!!
As always, thanks for listening!
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