Good days, then bad days...

I know I haven't been super consistent with my posts lately, but I hope to change that.

I really have to complain for a moment though, so please bear with me... this roller coaster that has consumed my life, better known as infertility, takes its tolls.  Today I'm paying my toll!  We are currently in a hurry up and wait point which is so difficult!!  We had a successful ovulation with the medicine switch, even though I stalled in the middle, so now we did our deeds and we have to just wait.  I've been trying to meditate when I feel the call to, I am working on incorporating more and more of the techniques throughout the day, and I'm really trying to communicate with my body opposed to resenting it.  I know this sounds absolutely crazy, but before you check me into the psycho ward hear me out... I've been talking to the egg... and no not the chicken egg in the fridge (I'm not that cookoo).  I've been cheering it on to get to where it needs to be, I've been cheering on the little dudes to get to where they need to be without too much wandering, and I've been just telling this egg how much its Mommy and Daddy want it to become our baby.  Mommy and Daddy are so ready to do this, but we need you to want to be with us too.  I know I've lost my mind!  But we're willing to try just about anything!!!  I even encourage Joe to talk to the egg... while he resists because he feels even crazier than I do about it.  But he tries... he was so sweet to yell into my uterus "be a baby", not in a mean way, but like it had ears and was underwater... it just melted my heart!

So before I cry and get too crazy, please please please talk to the egg!  Please tell it we're all wanting it so badly to be our baby!

But today has been harder... I start to doubt myself and my body and the egg.  I worry that we won't be able to do this.  What happens when the money runs out?  What happens if I can't ever carry a child?  I know there's always the option of adoption, but that is just not somewhere I can be yet.  People who adopt are very special angels but I'm afraid that I can't be up to the challenge.  And it's not the raising the child part that scares me, it's the accepting my body and that this may not happen for us.  That is a very hard pill to swallow especially when there are so many people out there who aren't good parents and so many children that need a good home and if only the finances were unlimited we could make this happen for us.  I still don't understand how something that affects more than 50% of the population isn't covered by insurance... or why is there a cap on diagnostic services for this?

It's just a spiraling roller coaster and I can see the dark scary tunnel rapidly approaching me and all I can do is tense up, close my eyes so tightly all I see is green circles and scream all the way down.  I don't like not being in control of things and I don't like blindly following!  I struggle with this today.  I can only just hope that this will be over soon and I can get off this roller coaster and be on one that I want to be on.

Just needed to throw this all out there!  Thanks for listening!

xoxo
Alexis